September 13, 2017
Image Credit: ©tankist276 - Deposit Photos
Out of the Blue
It's been months since I have heard from my daughter. Yesterday the phone rang. "Unknown caller". I answered it. I never answer those.
It's my oldest daughter calling. She's crying. She is hard to comprehend so I tell her to take a deep breathe and slow down. I finally get the gyst of her call. Her "boyfriend", the controlling and manipulative one, is in jail for the next 6 months and she's sorry for our last interaction...she tried to get the phone from him....she wants to get better...she wants to apologize....drugs...booze...school popped in there somewhere...cutting...some new guy....I say this not to be unsympathetic....I say this only because my brain and my heart are in two different places.
My brain is telling me to breathe. Listen and process. Listen and love. Listen and be sympathetic. Listen and don't get dragged in.
My heart is still jumping at the fact she is calling me. Bursting with love for her and so glad she is actually alive. My heart is crusading the Mom in me to save her and give her what she needs......or maybe I could go meet her and get a hug....maybe she isn't as skinny and strung out as I think she is...maybe I can fix everything.
Then my brain processes that Boyfriend is in jail and I get a little mad....internally....like I knew that was coming and that's one of the reason's why we didnt' even want her with him...hello...you should have listened...oh yeah....reality...my brain is also processing my heart and telling it, in no uncertain terms, to lock itself up and listen.
Thank you brain. The roller coaster ride is beginning and its taken me this long to let the brain do some work, so not going to break out the full heart just yet....that may be the hardest part....well, I'll cry about it later. For now, the question burning in my mind is getting her out of this situation and strengthen her resolve to actually cut ties with him while he is physically unavailable.
I remind her that she is only 17 and that she has her whole life ahead of her. She actually laughs at that and says she feels like she is 30. I laugh only because if this shit is still happening at 30, it likely won't be me she'll be calling....but that is likely only tough talk and wishful thinking.
After what may have only been a 10 minute conversation, that I am still trying to process, I wonder where this will take us this time. She has promised to connect with me the following day and meet for tea. Sadly, that gets put on hold. I am not hurt, and in fact, almost relieved. The meeting in person are so draining and I have so much I need to do. I am also no longer surprised. I appreciate her honesty as to why we can't meet, she is meeting with friends and getting drunk, to burn his sweater and share stories that I don't feel will accomplish anything...but none the less, she is seeing friends who may help strengthen her resolve. I let that be.
For as much as I want to believe she wants my help this time, and I will do what I can to help her, I cannot help but realize that her "friends" will not be part of her solution to recovery. So many avenues exist for her to get real and proper help and yet her mind is too unclear ot see them or she is too "messed" to reach out or she doesn't really want "help"....
I end this day thankful that I am in a place where I can put 90% of myself first. I got up today, got her brother and sister off to school, took a step forward in achieving my goals for this year and next and actually had a text conversation with her.
I am thankful she is alive and independent. I am more thankful that I am where I am right now.
I may cry at some point over the next few days and that's ok. I realize now, some part knew all along, that crying is not weakness, it is healing. So I will welcome that few minutes of release. I will dry my own eyes, pat myself on the back and I will enjoy this life I am living to the fullest because I know deep down, everything happens for a reason.